be an average dad

Be perfect? Forget that. Be average. One of the most useful and also enjoyable things I’ve ever done is go on two theatrical improvisation courses taught by the genius Keith Johnston. Keith originated much of the impro games used in theatre around the world. He’s an innovator and an impro director who is the best teacher I have ever had the good fortune to study under. Sadly Keith is over eighty now and has stopped teaching but youtube and his two books offer some insight into his talents. Anyway, the first thing you learn with Keith when you go on stage is that ‘trying’ is a waste of time. You’ve been trying your hardest, doing your best all your life and where has that got you? Instead of wishing actors luck or suggesting they do their best Keith tells you, “Be Average.”  

I tried for years to be a perfect dad. Tried and failed and felt bad about it. Then one day I realised it was OK to be an average dad. Failing to be perfect did not make me a bad dad, just average, or, less than average. Because the very act of trying to be perfect and failing (which you always will) actually stimulates a worse performance then aiming to be average. The perfect dad mindset is the problem. It puts the child first, at the centre of the family. But no child wants that- whatever the squawking and squealing that suggests the contrary. All children want to be part of the ordered environment that is a happy family. Like the dog that wants to be master but is flummoxed and snappy when he is allowed to be, children may seek to be the centre of attention but they don’t know what to do when they are- except play up and annoy you.

The first and most revolutionary thing an average dad has done is realise that dadding is a skill, and not a very advanced one. But it has to be done right and in the lousy modern world there are all kinds of popular ideas that get in the way of this. But by calling oneself average you take the first step to leaving behind the vicious uselessness of a child centred world. You have moved towards a world where the child has to fit in with your life, not the other way round. Does that sound extreme? Good.